Often, one of the things that gets in the way of having deeper and more fulfilling relationships is when we hold onto negative things from the past.

The feelings that happen that let us know we are stuck in the past is we feel angry, resentful, hurt or betrayed.

The 3 most common ways we get stuck in the past are via

1. Blaming others,
2. Having judgments and
3. Holding grudges and grievances towards others.

Often, the sneakiest and most pervasive forms of blame, judgment or grudges are the ones that never get spoken about.

Very often we don’t even know we are holding onto things.

Let me tell you a story about my journey about letting go…

A while ago, I realised I was still harboring resentment towards one of my own relatives.

Many years ago they wrote a reply to one of my social media posts. Anyone reading the comments would agree the comment was downright nasty and uncalled-for.

I felt attacked. I felt hurt and wound up that a close family member could say such hateful things about me, particularly on an online platform.

I let it get to me.

And I went on and on about it…

‘Why they would do such a thing?’

‘Why did they not just come and tell me to my face?’

‘Why would they say such nasty things?’

‘I don’t deserve to be treated like this!’

‘What a b#*ch!’

Many years went on and I forgot about it.

But I still felt disconnected and avoidant towards them.

I didn’t notice but I was still blaming them years after the event.

I hadn’t forgiven them for what I perceived as a disrespectful and hateful act towards me.

I was suffering long after the circumstance had finished.

Here’s the lesson…

BLAME creates us as ‘THE VICTIM’ and makes them ‘THE VILLAIN’.

When we describe our reality using language like ‘they were wrong’; we start to blame and we end up feeling like ‘a victim’ of life.

Blame is the cause of us feeling resentful.

I held onto the blame by justifying just HOW WRONG THEY WERE.

My insistence that they were in the ‘wrong‘ and I was in the ‘right‘ caused me to create myself as a victim of the circumstance.

I was making this about me…

I was seeing this as an act of rudeness.

I was unconsciously creating myself as someone who had suffering inflicted on them.

BUT

What I eventually saw was I could be compassionate to see their deeper vulnerability.

I got to see why they really did it.

I also got to see my own deeper vulnerability about why got so upset.

I got to understand both the other person’s and my own reaction.

I got to see their insecure behavior simply as a part of them protecting their own vulnerability and doing what made sense to them at the moment.

One of the lines of my declaration is;

“I see the innocence in everyone, and I am immediate forgiveness.”

Clearly,I was not fully embodying seeing the innocence.

I got to see where I was lacking a deeper capacity for forgiveness.

This is one of the most difficult lines in my declaration to live consistently.

Seeing innocence is all about recognizing that whilst the other person may not fully be serving their or your highest good, they are doing a certain behavior because it makes sense to them.

Everyone is doing the best they can from their state of consciousness.

Seeing innocence is when you really see this fact for yourself.

What helps is feeling empathy for what they are going through. 

Empathy is only possible when you allow yourself to see things from their point of view.

One of the ways I get my declaration more deeply into me is by saying out loud;

“I forgive myself for judging them as……………. (insert label) because in that moment they were………….. (insert vulnerable feeling)’

Eg I forgive myself for judging my relative as a horrible person, because in that moment they felt angry and defensive.

I make a point of forgiving anyone I interacted with that day whom I perceive did me ‘wrong’. I then go a step further to claim responsibility for creating myself as a victim of them.

If you want to quickly forgive someone here are some tips…

• You really have to be able to put yourself in their position and get a sense of why they did that.
• Ask yourself how were they feeling?
• What might have caused them to do that?
• What were they afraid or insecure about that was underneath that?
• What did they believe that made them do that?
• Have you ever felt the same way?
• Have you ever done something similar?
• Have you ever wanted to do what they did but were too afraid to do what they did?

Even when you are still baffled as to why they might have do it, the final step is to surrender to not being able to fully know, but trust they had some kind of reason for what they did, and it wasn’t to do with you.

Beyond understanding the other person, the ultimate forgiveness is forgiving yourself for taking on the perspective that you are a victim of something outside yourself.

Ultimately, when you fully, and deeply forgive yourself, what happens is the other person’s actions become irrelevant and you realise you were the cause of the blame.

The story changes from being about them affecting you, to you simply creating a story about them.

True forgiveness takes place when you see your own innocence as the creator of your own suffering.

Remember forgiving is not forgetting, forgiving is letting go of suffering, so you can live in peace.

You may still need strong boundaries in the relationship and perhaps being around that person is not good for you, but at least you get to live in peace.

Give yourself that gift of peace. You deserve to live in peace!

WEEKLY REFLECTIVE QUESTION: – Who do you need to forgive in your life?

Feel free to share with me any struggles you are having around forgiveness, blame, and resentment and I’ll be happy to give you some more tips for letting go of what doesn’t serve you.