HOW TO FORGIVE SOMEONE (IT’S EASIER THAN YOU THINK)
- Good evening, welcome to Transformation Tuesday, my apologies, we're a little bit later than usual tonight. But welcome, tonight we're going to be sharing about forgiveness, now this is a powerful topic. And I had an awareness, quite a while ago now, but I wanted to unpack this and share with you a little bit more about forgiveness and some misunderstandings around forgiveness. How to apply it, how to utilise it, how to see beyond our limitations, g'day, Mike, g'day Monica. How to see beyond our limitations that even create the need to feel like we need to forgive in the first place. And then, once we tidy up some of our misunderstandings around how we think about forgiveness, you're going to have a deeper level of understanding about how this applies and how to move beyond victim consciousness. Which is a concept which many of us experience without an awareness of. So I wanted to share more about forgiveness and how to see it in a more functional, in a deeper way, and strip away some of the misunderstandings. I want to share with you the story, a story, of where I felt I was manipulated. Now, this story goes where I actually felt like someone, well, I knew they actually lied to me. And they actually misrepresented themselves and, they actually didn't do the right thing by me. Anyway, that's an example where someone did something and I made it mean something personal. Now, I created a whole load of suffering around that. I created a whole lot of meaning. I made it mean this, I made it mean that. G'day, Rod. I made it mean a whole lot of different things, that that person's bad, I'm a victim, that shouldn't've happened to me, this is not good. This is a whole lot of this victim consciousness that I created from that experience from taking place. And all that happened was that, they didn't tell the truth, I made it mean something about me, I took it personally. Now, that might seem kind of simple. But I want to share with you how to unpack this such that you never have to forgive anyone ever again and I don't mean that in terms of being a prick and not being loving, I mean, if we don't indulge in victim-hood, victim consciousness in the first place, well, the forgiveness is never required in the first place because nothing ever happened against us to begin with. So that's where I'm leading the conversation. So, what I realised was that, this person, they mislead me, they lied to me and as a result I felt like I had been manipulated. Now what I realised was, no one can ever manipulate you. No one can ever manipulate me, only I can manipulate me. Manipulation is a choice. I chose to be manipulated. So what I did was I actually recovered the fact that I was manipulated. I chose to be manipulated. I chose to make a decision based upon something that someone else told me. And when I found out that they'd lied to me well, I made it mean bad things and I judged them. Now, what I did was I recovered the choice of this. I recovered the fact that I had chose to be manipulated. Now, there's power there. The power there is realising that no one can make me feel anything other than me. No one can enter my consciousness and make me think anything other than me. So, therefore, I'm going to take responsibility, 100% responsibility for everything that happens inside my consciousness. And therefore I'm not going to project that onto anyone outside of me. Because if I was to do that, I'm going to create victim consciousness. And so, what I quickly realised I did was, I made it personal, I made it about me, and I created myself as the victim. Because I failed to remind myself that I made the choice to be manipulated. Now, as soon as recovered the choice, my suffering dissipated. I was probably suffering for the best part of probably three, four weeks in terms of feeling like what was done to me was really really bad. And as soon as I got this insight, as soon as I saw this insight, it just disappeared straight away 'cause I realised, ah, they didn't manipulate me. I chose to be manipulated. Ha, it's on me, ha, it's an inside job. Now that changed it. Instead of me feeling like the victim from the perpetrator, instead of feeling like they were the one that did that to me, I was just now left feeling silly. I was now left feeling embarrassed. I was left feeling a little bit shameful and kind of a little bit sheepish, right? Which is now embarrassment. So it's gone from feeling like I was manipulated to now just feeling embarrassed. So you're getting how the severity of this situation has now just dropped just because of how I was seeing it. Powerful transformational conversation. So then, it went from feeling embarrassed. Now, in order to do embarrassment, what was I doing? I was feeling like I should've known better. I made the wrong decision, so this is now beating up on myself, this is now going inward and now judging myself, let me know if you guys can relate to having judged yourself or beaten yourself up because you made a silly decision. Let me know if you can relate. I was certainly doing this. And in the process of doing that, I failed to realise, well, I made a choice based upon the best information that I had at the time. I made a choice to go into a particular deal with this person who manipulated me, or who lied to me. And then as a result of that, I then chose to feel guilty, shameful, and embarrassed. Now I realise that, again, that was all choice. I chose to judge myself. I was simply judging the decision that I made. And because I was judging the decision I made, well, I'm now feeling embarrassed. Now, embarrassment is a consequence. Embarrassment is an emotion that gets generated by the feeling of I should've known better, the thought of I should've known better and there's something wrong with me, and why'd you do that, Chris? What's wrong with you, Chris? And so what I did was I recovered that yeah, I just made the best choice that I could at the time with what I knew. When I had that insight I realised, yeah, I was just judging myself for a decision that I made. Hmm, okay. Great, so I saw that insight and the embarrassment just dropped. I saw that, and as a result of that, I went from feeling manipulated, to feeling a little bit embarrassed to feeling nothing. Now how long did this take? This was probably, this conversation I had with mentor at the time was probably in the space of 45 minutes? Gone. Now, I could've probably spent another three or four weeks feeling like someone had done the wrong thing by me, trying to reframe it, trying to think the best of them and trying to do that, but all I needed to do was just see the truth. Just see the truth of no one can ever make me feel anything other than me. And so it's all on me, it's an inside job. I can take responsibility for it, I don't have to beat myself up, I can have compassion. I can realise that I'm always doing the best that I can with what I've got. And that stripped away that whole experience. It just fell away. 'Cause it wasn't real, and I recovered that I created it. So that's just an example of, now that I understand that, forgiveness for me is not required. I will never need to forgive anyone ever again. The reason being is 'cause I know that no one can enter my consciousness and make me feel anything. No one can make me feel like a victim except for me. And so, therefore, forgiveness is not required. Now, I may be challenged with that again. When I get challenged with it, it might be a new context or a slightly new situation. And I might feel like the victim for maybe a couple of seconds. But I'll realise what I'm doing, I'll go ah, that old pattern, that old thing. And then I'll let it go again 'cause I'll realise, no, I see through it. I see beyond it 'cause I know it's just an illusion. So, this insight that I'm sharing with you, this is one of those insights on the pathway to enlightenment. Because once you get this insight at this level and the insight I see right now means it's great because any time a client comes to me, I just share this insight and I see through their challenge. I don't have to do any timeline therapy, I don't have to reframe anything, I don't have to do any swish patterns, I have to do any crazy language patterns, I don't have to analyse what's taking place. I just share insight and see beyond, I just point to the truth. I just point to it. And that's the great thing about transformative coaching is you just point to the truth and the suffering just disappears. No techniques, no fancy trickery required. Just pointing to the truth. So that's what I've realised with the nature of this inside out transformative conversation. Is that, with these deeper insights, you just point to it and share insight, and the suffering in my experience, it kind of crumbles. The suffering just dissipates really really quickly. And the great thing about it is, once you instal an insight, like this insight that I have now which you may or may not resonate with. And that's okay if you haven't fully resonated with it I'd love to know if it resonates on some level with you. Maybe you get it and there's maybe 100% understanding and appreciation of that and then there's maybe 0% and wherever you are in between in terms of an understanding of, that's fine as well, don't feel like you need to have gotten anywhere. Just sit with it and it may resonate or not. But, fundamentally, what I've started to realise is that it's these insights that create deep, lasting transformation because, now that I know this insight, I won't go back and recreate that problem ever again. 'Cause I see through it. I see the true nature of it. I just see how it's an illusion. And so, once you get this insight it's like, great. We've just unlocked a piece of the true nature of reality. Which means, that problem doesn't need to get dealt with again. In fact, in any context it doesn't really need to get dealt with because it's the same insight that applies. Could be something to do with a relationship, business, finances, health, it's the same thing that just applies in a different context. So, that's what I really love about the transformative nature of these kinds of conversations is, they're based at a level of insight and understanding. And when you're having a conversation at the level of insight and understanding, you're elevating someone's consciousness what I call, vertically, hey Mike, you're spot on. It's the inside out approach. When you're taking someone's consciousness vertically, you're elevating their level of understanding. When you elevate someone's understanding it means that, I think this is a really good metaphor, is, as a coach, sometimes we feel like we need to walk in front of our client. And it's like we are in a maze, you know? One of those little hedge mazes. And, sometimes as a coach we're in front of our client, pulling our client along and telling them, holding them by the hand and going left, right, left, right, follow me, it's all good, I'll lead the way. Now that's all well and good, that's kind of, it's kind of good to help your client in a way. But it's not very empowering. It's not operating at the highest level of consciousness. It's not helping someone have a deeper, insightful, intuitive approach to deepen their consciousness, it's just giving them instructions. Now, that doesn't really help someone long term. It helps them get to the centre of the maze but it doesn't empower them. With this transformational conversation what we're doing is we're giving them a map. So we don't have to even be in front of them, leading them, we don't even have to be calling out to them left or right. We just give them a map and they see what they need to do. They see it. And so that's the nature of transformative coaching. That's the nature of what I'm talking about, it's the nature of what I'm sharing is, when you elevate someone's consciousness vertically, you give them the map. You give them the ability to see beyond their problem. Because they now see the true nature of reality. Which is moving towards principles of enlightenment. Seeing the true nature of consciousness which is, we are creating this whole thing from the inside out. Every single thought, emotion, feeling that we are having, we are generating it. It's being generated internally from within us. And sometimes it looks as if we're looking at the thing out there, we're pointing at that thing that happened and it looks like that thing created it inside of us. It looks like, you made me feel sad or you made me angry, that thing makes me upset. It's just not true. Just not true. We're having a thought about that thing. We're having a thought about a thought about that thing. And therefore we're now generating a thinking story which generates a feeling, an emotion which now creates everything inside of us. That's an inside job. This is the inside out nature of reality. Is nothing outside of us has ever made us think anything and feel anything. It's all internally inside us. Feel into that. Nothing outside us has ever caused us to think and feel anything, we have chosen the thought, we have chosen the feeling. We are feeling the effects of our thinking. And we point sometimes and say that thing caused me to think in that way. It is just not true. We had the thought. We could've chosen a whole load of other thoughts but we didn't. We are responsible. It's our consciousness inside our mind. We are responsible. This is an inside out reality. Our consciousness is being generated and formed inside us and it's not related to the external at all. Yeah, I like your insight there, Rod. Give them the hammer so they can hit the nail. Yeah. Or even further, give them the understanding, where they can decide whether or not they even want to use a hammer in the first place or they can delegate to get someone else to use the hammer or maybe a hammer is never even required. Maybe the nail doesn't even need to get hit! Maybe there's no requirement for a nail! So it's just an example of taking the levels of consciousness higher and deeper. And a deeper level of understanding, so. I've just touched on this nature here of the inside out nature of our consciousness which is no thing and no one outside of us can make us feel and think anything. And that's the nature of when we experience suffering. Is we point at something and say that made me feel that way. Well, it wasn't that. It was, I chose to have a thought. I had a thought. I could've had another series of thoughts, you know, for example, someone crashes into your car. You could have a thought that that's bad, that's horrible. Or you can have a thought, that's funny. You know, 'cause there's a choice here. There's choice points that are going on but a lot of them are unconscious. Though it's these choice points that we need to become aware of. Once we become aware of the choice points about how we're treating our own consciousness, a lot of our problems dissolve. 'Cause you just realise that I am just generating this from the inside out, I am in control of my reality. This is my reality. So that's a little bit about the inside out nature and why forgiveness is not required. So that's how I've arrived at my perspective that forgiveness is not required. Does that mean that no one could ever piss me off? And me in the moment feel like I'm a victim? Yeah, I could. But very very quickly, because I have this insight, I'll remember how this thing is going down. I'll remember, yeah, I know, it's me, I'm doing it. And so very very quickly I will let that go. Quicker than if I didn't have that insight. So, that's a little bit about forgiveness is not required. You can apply this to anything, you can apply this to decision making. You could be worried about a decision. You could be worried, oh, I've got to make the right decision and I'd love to know, thanks for your comment, Monica, thank you, I'd love to know if anyone here on the call has ever been worried about making the right decision. If you're worried about making the right decision, well, if you feel like you've got to get it right, you're going to be stressing over it, you're going to be putting pressure on yourself. Even feeling like it's the end of the world. Because you've got to get it right. Now, you could look at the same thing, well, you could go left or you go right. Now, you could either go that way or go that way. And it's making a decision, you have to choose, one or the other. And yes, there is an opportunity cost. If you go that way, you can't go that way. If you go that way, you can't go that way, that's just the nature of life. But what's not required is the judgement . The pressure. The feeling like, I've got to get it right. That is judgement , that is pressure. That's our ego feeling like we've got to get it right, that we've got to know what to do. This isn't about being complacent and just making any choice, but it's realising that well, what we are doing is we're placing our happiness and our satisfaction and our sense of okay-ness on trying to predict the outcome of whether that one or that one was right. And that's a lot of pressure. A lot of pressure we don't need to put ourself under. So, since seeing this inside out understanding what I've realised is, well, it doesn't really matter whether I go left or go right. Why? Well, not that the outcome is going to be different. Obviously the outcomes are going to be different. But I'm not going to beat myself up and judge myself if I go one way or the other. So I have no attachment anymore to making the wrong or right decision. Because I just know I can either go that way or that way. And I will make the best decision that I have available at that period of time. And sometimes I might make a decision that's in alignment. Sometimes I might make a decision that's not in alignment. Sometimes I might make a decision that brings in great amazing things, and other times it might bring in nothing. Either way, I realise well, it's either that or that. It's just two scenarios. And those are just external things in my reality. I don't have to make them mean anything about my happiness. I don't have to make them mean anything about whether or not I'm going to feel okay. So what I've also done is I've taken the pressure off myself to feel like I need to get everything right. How? Not some superpower, not some incredible willpower or some courage or strength. I just see the true nature of reality. I just see how it is. And that means I don't have to put pressure on myself to get decisions right. So, I'm in a place of peace. So this transformative inside out conversation, you probably might've noticed if you've been following my work for quite some time, I'm a lot more peaceful. I'm a lot more tranquil. I'm a lot more at ease with whatever happens in my life. And I'm less concerned about what happens out there and I'm more concerned about what happens in here. And so it's a prioritisation of, this is an inside game. And I'm not going to outsource my happiness or my joy or any meaning that I'm unnecessarily wanting to get from the external environment. Because that's ultimately outsourcing my happiness to the situations and circumstances out in the external world. It's kind of a bit of a ransom process, it's like, well if this, this, and this goes right well then I'm going to feel happy. If I make the right decision, then I'll feel proud. If I have this amount of money in my bank account, then I feel successful. That's an outside in approach. And that's just flawed, it's just wrought with suffering and it's just playing the wrong game. So, some of these insight I've shared with you will resonate, and some of them may not. And that's okay, that's just the nature of what we're talking about here. Sometimes you'll see it, sometimes you won't. But if you hang around in the conversation long enough you'll eventually get it. And when you get it, it will drop and you're like, ah, whoa. How did I not see that one? How did I not see that one? Yeah, thanks for the comment there, Mike. Yeah. So, I'm going to finish it up there, guys, but that is a little bit more about transformative conversation, transformational coaching. For those of you that are in Perth, that would like to come and learn more about what I do and how I do it and the ins and outs, I'm running a workshop on Saturday at the Rendezvous Hotel. So, it goes from nine a.m. 'til three p.m. Tickets are $197, we've got a couple of tickets left. So if you'd like to learn more about this transformative conversation, if you'd like to learn how to, if you are a coach, if you'd like to learn how to earn more money, how to add more value, how to feel more certainty and confidence in what you're doing, hey Monica, great to have you there. If you would like to get the download and spend a whole day with me sharing with you how I coach, what my philosophies are and what I've learnt on my journey and the things that I think work and things that don't work so well, how to add more value conversationally like this just by chatting to someone, effortlessly just sharing insights and value well, you're going to enjoy the workshop on Saturday which is called How to be a Transformative Coach. So, if it resonates and you'd like to learn how to take this to a level deeper then I would love to see you there at the training. I'll drop a link in here afterwards so you guys can grab a ticket. And, it's going to be an amazing weekend. I look forward to coming back to Perth, I'm flying in on Friday. Looking forward to seeing some of my good friends and family in Perth over the weekend. And I'm excited about delivering what's going to be my most advanced but at the same time also my simplest ever training. On Saturday, so, thank you guys for tuning in. As always, I appreciate you being here, thanks for your questions, thanks for your comments, is there going to be dancing? Ooh, that's a good question, Monica. There's always space for dancing, we'll play it by ear. We'll see what unfolds. I'm a big fan of dancing, we'll see how we go. Thank you guys, as always. Yeah, I'd love to have you there as well, Rod. We will be recording the training, actually, so it will be recorded and will turn into a product. So, if you're interested in getting access to that training, we will be making the recordings available for those that are inter-state and for those that can't make it. Cheers, Bernie, thanks, Mike, thanks, Rod, thanks Monica, and thanks to everyone for tuning in. As always, lots of love, have a beautiful week. Bye for now.