Transformational Tuesday Season 2

HOW TO TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE WITH RADICAL HONESTY

- Good evening, everyone, and welcome back to transformation Tuesday. It's Chris Jackson here again with you guys, hope you are doing beautifully. Welcome to tonight's episode, which is on how we get radically honest with ourselves. This concept of radical honesty is something I'm excited to introduce to you guys. How do we use radical honesty to, well, transform our life? The usual theme that we're looking at each week is how we transform our life. This week, we're going to look at radical honesty. Now, radical honesty is a concept where, when I first got introduced to this concept, it was very scary. It was quite, it was quite intimidating to think of being radically honest, being totally open and transparent about what we're experiencing internally inside of us. So I'm excited to share this with you, because it opens up a whole new dimension of intimacy, of connection. Particularly in the concept of relationships. So if you're wanting to improve your relationship, and this is either intimate relationships, this could be friendships, work relationships, whatever relationship you're looking at, this is going to be something that's going to help you transform that relationship completely. And when you embrace this relationship, you just watch it go to a whole new level. And you just watch, when you apply these concepts, you just notice that the intimacy, the vulnerability, the connection goes to a whole new level of trust. So let's dive straight into it. Radical honesty, why would we bother? Why would we bother getting radically honest? First of all, what do I even mean by radical honesty? Well, I wanted to share with you what I mean by radical honesty is, it's the next level of honesty. How is it different from normal honesty? Well, it's the next level of honesty. It goes beyond just honesty, it goes to extreme levels of honesty, where we're not holding anything back. Where we're putting the mask down. Where we are being completely, authentically, fully self-expressed with who and what we are. So, this is a concept that is liberating, it's freeing, and it can create the highest level of trust imaginable in a relationship, when done under the right conditions. So, it helps your relationship, it helps transform the quality of your relationships, it transforms the closeness of your relationships. Good day Mike, good to see you here, mate. It transforms our trust in someone else, our trust in ourself, and being radically honest transforms the dynamic of every relationship, because now, we know that we're operating in an environment where we're prioritising truth over comfort. We're prioritising self-expression over feeling good. Now, this is a whole new level of vulnerability that we need to embrace in order to go to this space, but if we're willing to get uncomfortable with this concept, if we're willing to go through that comfort zone challenge in the beginning, what we find is we come out through the dark tunnel on the other side with a whole lot of courage. Hey, good to see you, Mike. So, I've just touched on it can improve the quality of your relationships. It really opens up a whole new level of confidence and intimacy in relationships, because now, we create a platform to be self-expressed. We create a platform to be fully open and transparent with whatever we're experiencing in our relationship. Now, as I'll get into this, this isn't an excuse to start whinging or start complaining. This is a platform to embrace self-expression through the layers of love and truth, and so what it does is it now creates a very safe space for people to authentically express themselves. So, as I said, you know, if we are not being radically honest, then what are the consequences? Well, if we're not being radically honest, it means that we're not actually speaking our truth. It means that there's something that might be bothering us, and we withhold it, we don't express it. Our partner might ask us, "Oh, what's going on?" And you just say, "Oh, nothing." We can be passive-aggressive, we can not actually express what's truly going on inside of us, and it can cause a whole lot of resistance. It can cause resentment, it can cause stress, it can cause pressure, it can cause distance. It's the opposite of closeness. It can cause relationships to get shut down. So, we've got to recognise and ask ourselves, well, how honest are we being with ourselves? How honest are we being in our relationships? To what degree are we being honest? Now, there is degrees of everything. There is always degrees of everything in life, so there's no black and whites, there's no absolutes here. There's no right or wrong way of perceiving this, but I just want to give you some frames to consider how to really adopt this principle, particularly in relationships, it's really, really powerful. So the first thing we've really got to look at is, well how honest are we being? And you could look at this in your career, you could look at this in our work relationships, in your intimate relationship, in your friendships. How honest are you being in your friendships? How much of yourself are you expressing? How much of yourself are you holding back? And the key distinction here is recognising, if we hold back an essence of our self, we've got to ask, well, what's the consequence of me holding that back? If I'm not expressing this part of me, if I'm not being authentic, what's the consequence? Am I expanding the relationship, or am I diminishing it? Am I assisting the relationship to grow, or am I constricting it? Am I diminishing it? And so we got to start asking questions. Well, okay, if I didn't have a choice of sharing some truth, something within me, how do I know if I should share it? How do I know if it's resourceful? Because you've probably all heard of, you know, the concept of white lies before. We've all been tested, you know, you might get asked a question. You might get asked a question by someone saying, "Hey, what do you think, do I look nice in these clothes? "How do I look?" And in your mind, you might be thinking, gee, they don't look very good in that. Now, this is a classic example all the time where we get tested. We will get tested all the time in life, about how comfortable are we with sharing our opinion? How comfortable are we with sharing our truth? And this whole conversation is getting comfortable and courageous with being self-expressed. Now, this doesn't matter whether this is in your job, your career, your relationship. This is a skill that is cross-contextual, across every single dimension of life. And the more that we train our unconscious mind into recognising that it's okay to share our truth, the more we realise that we can trust ourselves, which means the more self-expressed we become, the more confident we become, and ultimately, the more able we are to fully express ourselves in a lot of different contexts. Hey, Ross, yeah, thanks there, mate. We have got to take a really good look at where are we stemming from, when we embrace this concept of radical honesty, because yes, it's great to get radically honest in terms of sharing where we're at, but we've got to go, well hang on, from what place am I sharing my honesty? Am I sharing it from a place of fear and ego? Am I sharing this from a place of resistance, and I'm sharing this because I'm annoyed or frustrated or resentful, I'm wanting to penalise someone? Or am I genuinely coming from a place of love and compassion, and I actually genuinely want to share something from a place of kindness, from generosity, from expansion? Something that needs to get shared? So, say for example, if you've got an issue in your relationship, and you need to talk about something, you need to say, hey, I just want to share that when you, like, it could be something like lack of respect. It could be something in your relationship where, you know, you might have got home, and you've cooked a dinner for your partner. Now you're partner's got home an hour late, and maybe the meal's gone cold. Now, this is just a simple example, but if this happens repeatedly and repeatedly, and you don't say anything to your partner, hey, you got home late, I cooked a meal for you and now it's gone cold, like you know, I was waiting for you, then we've got to check in and go, okay, well, if something needs to get communicated, what do we want to communicate? Do we want to communicate the anger and the frustration? Do we want to communicate, can we have a chat about seeing if we can change the behaviour? If we want to chat about, so we got to understand, well, where are we stemming from? What are we trying to communicate in the first place? Are we trying to communicate how we feel? Are we trying to communicate the behaviour change? Are we trying to communicate, what are we trying to achieve? What's our purpose, what's our outcome? But before we communicate anything, we have got to realise, we've got to get to a place within ourselves where there is no judgement , there is no resentment. There's no, there's no fear, there. We've got to get to a place, before we open our mouth, we ideally want to get to a place where the intention behind the communication is coming from love. So I think that's always the first question. In my expression right now, am I coming from a place of love? And if I'm not, well, there's a fair chance that what I'm about to say is probably not going to be in the best interest of anyone. So I think that's a first, I think that's a really good first pass kind of test, before we open our mouths to say anything. The next element I think we've got to ask is, well, do I want to share this because is this going to help them? Is this going to help me, is it going to help them? For what purpose am I sharing this right now? So we can get clear on, well, where am I stemming from? Am I coming from love or fear? But also, what's the purpose? Am I sharing something because it's going to help them? Is it going to help me? Can it help both of us? Is there going to be a consequence for them, if I share a truth with them, are they going to like it? How are they going to respond? I might be about to give them some feedback about maybe their character traits, or maybe them leaving dirty dishes around the place. I'm about to share something with them, how are they going to respond to it? So we've now got to start to also consider, well, how are they going to interpret the communication? We can communicate anything, as long as we're coming from a loving space. As long as we're coming from a place of love, and kindness, and compassion, we can communicate anything when we're coming from a place of love and truth, and with consideration for how well it's going to be received. So this is all about maintaining rapport, this is all about maintaining consideration for the other person, whilst we're sharing that truth. Now as long as we're maintaining that, and we're doing it in a loving way, you can pretty much communicate anything. You can pretty much communicate anything because it will be received with, okay, this person doesn't have a malicious intent. Now, it doesn't necessarily mean they're going to like what they hear, but at least they'll know you're coming from the right place. This isn't about prioritising comfort, this is about prioritising truth, and if you are, if we do need to share something, well, we need to maximise the probability of that share being absorbed by the person we're communicating to, by knowing that we're coming from a place of love, by knowing that we're doing it softly, by knowing that we're doing it in a respectful way, by understanding how they're probably going to respond to it, and then doing all that we can to communicate in such a way so that we maximise the probability of them actually hearing what we've got to say. So we've got to ask, is this about us or them? We've got to ask, what's my intention, what's my purpose for sharing this, what's my outcome, what's my ideal outcome? And we've got to get really curious about how can we share this in such a way such that it's not going to impact them or cause harm to someone? Now, as long as we've thought through all those considerations, radical honesty, tick, proceed. We can proceed. So these are the considerations around, how do we share something in such a way so that it's not, you're not being, and this is the concept that can get confused a lot of the time, is brutal honesty. Let me know if you guys heard of that phrase before, brutal honesty. It's got a limitation infused into that concept, because if we think we're being brutally honest, well, what do we believe about honesty, if we have now, lumping it together with being brutal? If we believe, yeah, thanks, Fe. It's speaking our truth is important, it's important to know where is that truth coming from? Is it coming from our soul, is it coming from our ego? Is is coming from a place of resistance, or is it coming from a negative space, as opposed to a positive inspiring expansive space? So we've got to get really, really clear on, well, where are we stemming from? But ultimately, making sure that we are truly communicating from that place of love, and as long as we're doing that, well, I think we're ticking lots of boxes here. So, we have got to be willing and able to be totally authentic in this space, totally vulnerable, and this is the whole point, is we're not prioritising comfort, we are prioritising truth here. Sometimes we need to communicate the raw truth. Sometimes it just needs to be expressed. Now, you can shut it down, and you can deny it and suppress it for so long, but eventually it's going to bubble to the surface. So if you are suppressing your truth, if you are not expressing yourself, then it's going to have an impact. Now, again, you've also got to look at, well, what are you wanting to express? If you have a frustration, if you have resistance. If you have something in your relationship, and you want to communicate something to your partner or a friend, and if you feel like you don't have a voice, well, you've got to look, well, what's the cause of that? Is it you're worried about them judging you? Is it you're worried about how you're going to say it? Are you worried about feeling the emotions of maybe guilt or embarrassment or shame? Maybe, you got to look at what are the emotions, what is the consequence of you sharing your truth with that person? Is it that you're going to look bad? Are you afraid it's going to do damage to the relationship? You've got to check in and say, what is the consequence that you're concerned about? And you've got to navigate your way through, overcoming the consequence. Yeah thanks, Fe. It's about love and care and respect, for both ourself and the other person. As long as we maintain all those variables, it's very, very easy to communicate even the harshest of things. And even when we say harshest of things, well, all communications outside the lens of human being, are just neutral communications. It's only through the perception of us as humans that we now label something as being harsh or good, bad, right or wrong. So what we can also do in this process is start to recognise, okay, well, if I am judging something that's taking place, like, for example, if someone's sharing their authentic truth with you, and you don't like what they've got to say, well, you can either take it personally, or you could take it impersonally and say, well, they're just sharing something with you. You don't have to take it personally, you don't have to buy into that thought. You don't have to buy into that feeling. 'Cause what you're actually doing is, when someone shares a thought with you that you don't like, they're just simply sharing a packet of information with you. It's just simply a form of energy. Now, if we react to that thought, what we're doing is we're grabbing that thought, and it's like we're putting it on, like a suit. And we're now viewing our reality through a particular lens, and that thought or that truth that they've shared with us has now become our truth, and we've taken it on, and we're now experiencing our reality as if it was true, as if it was part of us. So that's the other aspect we've got to realise is, well, if we are, we are accepting someone else's truth, we've got to be very, very careful just to not necessarily take that on straightaway and associate into it, 'cause we can experience suffering, and we can experience hurt, if we make it mean something personally about us, or we can just observe it as information, and then filter it and process it, and evaluate, and go, well, is there any truth to this? And so what we now do is we're now distancing ourself from some criticism, and we're now taking criticism and we're able to neutralise it, and we're not actually buying into the criticisms, so we don't feel bad about it. So, there's some principles here that we've really got to dive deep into, so that we can start to make this an open flow of information, because if both people in the relationship both embrace this philosophy of radical honesty, then anything can take place in a relationship. You can say the harshest thing in the world, but say it with love, and if you create a very, very safe space, well, there you go. Your relationship's just gone to a next level, because you now know, okay, I can communicate in such a way, my partner recognises that I'm not stemming from a place of fear. I'm not trying to judge them, I'm not trying to diminish them, I'm not trying to put them down, I'm just simply sharing my expression, my truth. And one of the tips you can use when you're going through this process is when you're sharing your truth, you don't declare it as an absolute. You just would share your truth like this. You would say, I would like to share something. What I'm feeling is, this. I'm feeling this. And now, it might have been something that the partner has done. Now, as a result of you doing that, what I've chosen to experience is this. And as a result of that, I'm choosing to feel. So it's, I'm owning my experience, I'm owning my choices, and I'm not saying it's your fault, I'm blaming you, you did this wrong. You can say, well, this is what I've observed, this is how I'm feeling, this is what I would like to share, and it's very much a neutral, very, very soft communication style. So this is one thing, when you approach that communication style very much from a owning your own emotions and owning your thoughts, and not blaming someone, and not projecting negative energy, you create a space where you can actually claim, I'm creating this in in my mind, I'm hallucinating, I'm generating the meaning, I'm having this experience, I'm taking responsibility for, this is my experience, and I'm just simply sharing it with you. And I would love for you to help me to navigate my way through that as well. So for example, you might say to someone, when that happened, when you got back late, right, I chose to get frustrated, I chose to get angry. And I just wanted to share that with you. As opposed to, you got back late, you made me angry. It's like, no, no, no, no one can make you angry. We can only, no one can enter our minds and make us feel anything. We're the only ones that can make ourselves experience anything. Yes, there are external triggers, but we've got to take responsibility in this communication for how we are generating our experience, and that's where this becomes really, really powerful, with radical honesty. I just want to touch on people-pleasing, 'cause this is a question that I get. This is a, this is a question that I get all the time, which is, how do I be more honest? How do I communicate more openly and more transparently? Because the pattern of people-pleasing sometimes is a very covert pattern. It's a very unconscious way of being for a lot of people, and a lot of people are not aware of it. How do you know if you're people-pleasing? Well, you know if you're people-pleasing, which is, if you go to, say, a party, and then when you get to the party, someone asks you, "Would you like a drink?" And if you are thirsty and you'd like a drink, but you say no, because you're wanting them to like you, or you're wanting to be accepted, or you're not wanting to make a fuss, right, and you are worried that you want to get them to like you, well, that would be a version of people-pleasing. And even though it's just a subtle little thing, like saying, no, no, no, no, don't make a fuss, you've got to understand, well, what's underneath that? Are we wanting to be liked? Are we afraid of them judging us, are we afraid of criticism? Are we wanting to not make it, like, these are the sorts of questions you've got to get really curious about every single little microelement of these things that takes place, and put it under the microscope and go, hang on, am I being authentic? Like, did I just, was I operating from fear, there? Was I being authentic, or was I holding myself back? What was going on there? And it's the same thing when you're at, you might be going out for dinner with friends, and you're having a debate, a heated debate. And you've got a political opinion, and you feel very right in landing on that opinion, because you've researched, you're very well, you know what you're talking about, and then you go to share it, but you go, oh, I'm just going to hold my tongue here, because, ooh, this could, this might not go well. You know, you've got to understand, well, what's going on there? Is it you're not wanting to offend someone? Is it that you're not wanting to look bad? Is it you're willing to keep the peace? Is it you're wanting to be liked? Is it you're wanting to be invited back again? So these are all examples of where we've got to check ourself, and find, well, are we actually being totally authentic? Now, this is an example where, particularly in the context of radical honesty, this is something that's, it's probably better explored in a very intimate relationship, because it's easier to have a radically honest conversation when you've set a parameter. When you've set parameters in an intimate relationship around hey, can we express absolutely everything? Can we create a very, very safe non-judgmental space where I can share absolutely everything that I'm experience, that I'm choosing to experience, and I give you full permission to share everything that you're experiencing, knowing that we can both be mature adults, and we can both not buy into the judgement . We can both not buy into the negative emotions, not buy into making that truth mean anything about us. And just share it as if it's just information, it's just neutral information that we're looking to exchange in order to support each other. So this is the, I would say that's probably the most important thing in this whole conversation, is where are we stemming from in our communication? Are we stemming from love, or are we stemming from fear? Are we sharing from a place of passive-aggressive, like I'm going to share this with you 'cause I'm pissed off? Or am I sharing this because this is something that you really need to hear? Hey, Daniel, good to see you here, bro. So we've got to understand, where are we stemming from? This is a powerful concept, where are we stemming from? Now, we could be covertly unconsciously operating out of ego. Thanks, buddy. We could be operating out of ego, and it could be unconscious. So if we're in resistance, if we're experiencing some kind of negative emotion. If we're feeling like we need to justify ourselves, we're feeling like we need to prove ourselves, we're feeling like we need to be heard, to try and gain some kind of sense of significance, well, that's our ego doing its job, as opposed to sharing authentically, because it's in our highest expression, because it's going to be of service to the other person, it's going to be of service to us, and it's done with an intention of the highest possible intention, of service. So again, it comes back to what's the intention of the communication. So we've got to get really, really clear on where are we stemming from. That's the most important thing in this whole thing, and as long as you communicate to the person that you're having a conversation with, this is where I am stemming from, I'm not judging you, I'm not trying to diminish you, I wanted to share this from a place of service, here's my share, there you go. So what you can actually do is you can pre-frame your delivery of that share, to let the person know, hey, I'm being totally authentic, being totally loving, and I'm not wanting to hurt your feelings, and you can even say, and this is difficult for me to share with you right now. And so what you're doing is you're doing as much as you can to pre-frame this conversation, to let someone know, hey, I care about you, and I'm not having a dig at you, here's some truth that I feel like is going to be in your highest interest for you to hear this right now. So that's really the most important part about this whole conversation. It's about embracing vulnerability, it's about embracing authenticity, and what it's doing is it's creating trust in the relationship. Because you know that you can say anything, and you've also got to be willing to hear anything coming back at you. You've got to be willing to hear the feedback coming from someone else. Thanks, Daniel, appreciate it, man. We've got to be willing and able to take on the truth, as well as give the truth. And what it does is, it's a two way process. We have to create conditions inside a relationship where that process takes place automatically. Now, if you haven't done this before, what I recommend that you do is you book a meeting with yourselves, and if you're in, this is an intimate relationship, generally, if you haven't done this before, book a weekly meeting. Book at least one chance in a week, where you can get radically honest, and share all the primary concerns, everything in the relationship that you would like to share that hasn't been shared. It's a powerful process. And you create a very safe space, you create a non-judgmental space, you create a loving space, you create, you're coming from a place of love, you're not trying to prove anything, you're not trying to justify anything, it's just simply sharing from the space of sharing. Now, once you start sharing to that space, you'll find that you create more and more trust. Now, when you hear something that you don't particularly like, you don't want to deny, diminish or avoid, or justify it. What you want to do is you want to say, okay, I hear what you say, and let it, contemplate it, feel into it. Don't feel like you need to argue or justify or resist it. Just let it wash over you, and let the person finish their share. Let that person get everything they need to share out, and hear them, let them share what they've got to say. And then you can do that, then do the same. Now, this isn't about a battle of who's right and who's wrong. That's the ego, that would be the ego's game, playing who's right and who's wrong, I need to defend myself. Just recognise that if someone shares something, that's just simply their opinion, that's their perspective. It's a packet of information that's being shared. And so that packet of information that they're sharing with you, you don't have to buy into it, you don't have to make it mean anything. You don't have to associate into it and make it mean anything more than just information. So this is where emotional intelligence comes in. This is where you have to decide, okay. How much of this do I want to let in, let it impact me, in terms of, is this information, or is it actual data that I actually want to take action on? Now, that's a process. Sometimes you don't want to just let it become your truth straightaway, you want to contemplate it, sit with it. Evaluate it, is it really true? And so this is where this process of radical honesty in a context of a relationship, it's a process to arrive at, well, that's your truth, this is my truth, well, let's speak about it, let's share about it, let's find out, well, how does that now sit with both of us? And so this is a process that, when it's done consistently, I've recommended you do it at least once a week, but if you can set this as a standard that it happens consistently in your relationship on a daily basis or every single time you talk, well, you've just elevated the level of trust and the level of transparency and authenticity and vulnerability in a relationship, and it means you can say absolutely anything. But again, what's required is emotional maturity. What's required is a willingness to hear something that you perhaps don't want to hear, and be willing to prioritise getting the truth, rather than feeling comfortable. So that's the fundamental philosophy that's required in this whole conversation, is what's more important? Exploring the truth or feeling comfortable? Maybe avoiding things because it doesn't really help, it doesn't really feel good. So I've come to the conclusion that I would rather get honest feedback, and I would rather hear the truth, than feel comfortable. Because feeling comfortable, whilst it might be a short-term emotional reward, long-term, it doesn't serve. It doesn't, it's not empowering. It's not adding to my ability to make powerful empowered decisions from a place of sovereignty. I would rather have information that can help and support me, than not have that information. So that's another question you've got to ask yourself, is does my partner, or does this person what I'm about to share this information with, is this going to help and support them? In fact, is this in their highest interest as well? 'Cause you might share something with them, and it's not in their highest interest. Maybe they don't need to know about it. Maybe it's got nothing to do with them, it's all to do with you. So this is where you've got to also reflect on, okay, well, where am I stemming from? What's the purpose, what's the intention? And as long as we've asked these questions, as long as we've contemplated these questions, thanks, Hills. As long as we've contemplated these frames, we know that our communication has been well considered, and then delivered with love. Delivered with respect, delivered with compassion. So that's the most important thing. If you're ever in a state of resistance, or fear, or ego in this expression, you know it's not the place to be expressing yourself, because you're not going to be expressing yourself from your highest, most empowering truth. You're going to be expressing perceptions of the ego. You're going to be expressing limited perceptions that are not based from love. So that's always the ultimate frame. Am I coming from love right now? What would love do? That's the ultimate frame, what would love do right now? So if you overlay that over this whole experience, this whole process, as I said, there's no black and white, there's no absolutes here into what you can share, what you don't share. This is a complete grey area, but at least if you're asking the question, what would love do, I think that's a pretty good frame to evaluate what to share, and how to share. So that was just a little bit on radical honesty, and a concept of when you introduce this into your relationships, you transform your closeness, your intimacy, your trust, and everything that can, everything that's contained within that relationship. And yes, there is, yes, there is limits to this. Yes, there is always nuances. Yes, there is always little what if this, what if that. You know, what if this happens? And this is why there is no black and white, there's no absolute answers. You know, you can give me 20 different questions, and the answer's always going to depend. But as I said, if you consider where am I stemming from, is it love or is it fear, am I expressing this with the intention of service, am I expressing this from a--