HOW TO STOP FEELING REGRET
- Hello, guys. How you doing? Welcome to Transformation Tuesday. We're a little bit earlier tonight than usual, but tonight is going to be a deep dive into understanding the nature of regret. Understanding how do we avoid this emotion, how do we stop experiencing it? How do we take the pressure off ourselves so that we don't have to make all the decisions right in our life so that we avoid regret. How do we hack it from the inside out, and how do we prevent ourselves from putting pressure on our lives and on our decisions to try and avoid this emotion. And for a lot of my life, a lot of my motivation was to avoid regret. I wanted to live the best life ever. I wanted to experience the best life I possibly could. I wanted to be in a career that I was passionate about. I wanted to be in the most amazing relationship for the most amount of time that I could be. I wanted to do all these things so that I knew that when I got to the end of my life I wouldn't be regretful. And what I've come to realise is true is that we don't have to have any of that to avoid experiencing regret. It's just not true. It just isn't true. We don't need any of that. All we need to do to avoid regret is simply not judge the choices that we've made in the past. Regret is simply judging the choices that we've made in the past. Regret is simply a judgement of a choice, or judgement of an action. And it's a diminishment of something that we've done in the past. That's all it is. And it's really quite simple. Admittedly, mastering this is not as simple. It's easy, but it's, sorry, it's simple, but it's not easy. It is a process that when we understand the process, we don't do regret anymore. And since I've understood the process and since I understand the nature of regret, I don't do regret anymore. And it's not because the decisions that I make are right. In fact, I make a lot of decisions that you can probably say go dramatically wrong in a sense of it unsuccessful. But I don't judge those decisions anymore and I'm kind of okay with maybe making some choices from time to time that may be a bit out of alignment. So that's the nature of the conversations tonight is how do we hack regret. How do we understand regret to a daily capacity so we no longer indulge in that. And that was probably the best example that I was experiencing regret around. And I thought it was a resourceful regret. I thought I was experiencing regret in a good way because I was thinking well if I live a really great life and if I force myself to live a great life, well then I'm not going to feel regretful. So I'm going to use regret as fuel to try and get me to do all this stuff in life and live a great life. So I was using regret as leverage to try and get stuff done in life. Which was a lot pf pressure to put myself under. Putting yourself under pressure like regret, like geez, if I don't get this right then I'm going to regret it. That's a lot of pressure. That's fear based motivation. That is our ego doing its thing. And I did that for many, many years 'cause I wanted to make sure when I get to my deathbed, I don't want to have any regrets. Well I've since realised that well I can get to my deathbed and not have any regrets just simply by understanding the nature of regret. Not going out and achieving all these amazing things and living the perfect life and making all these amazing decisions. Hey, Regina, good to have you here. That's not required to avoid regret. What's required to avoid regret is simply recognising that whatever choice we have made that's in the past. And there's no point diminishing or judging ourselves over something that was in the past because that's done. That's a story. And if we're digging up that story and then judging it, well that's how you do regret. That's the strategy if you want to feel regret is look at some choices that didn't go particularly well, judge yourself for it. Diminish yourself, criticise yourself and say you should've done better. And you're going to feel regret. That's the strategy of regret. The strategy to not feel regret is to recognise well you made the choice or the decision that was apparent to you at the time, that made sense to you at the time. Hey, Charmaine, good to have you here. You made the choice that was apparent to you at the time that made sense to you. That was very, very, at the time was the right choice for you. Now, with hindsight, now after the fact, now in the future you can look back and you can say, well, I should've known better. Oh well, that wasn't the right choice. Well yeah, of course. Looking back in hindsight it's obvious that it maybe wasn't the choice that was in alignment because you have the benefit of hindsight. You have the benefit of looking back with the knowledge and the wisdom after the event. So yeah, one of the ways to avoid eliminating regret is by actually understanding regret. Not by feeling like you got to get your life perfectly in order and you've got to make all the right decisions in your life. This flows in to a lot of people putting pressure on themselves feeling like they got to get life right. Tell me if you can agree, but for me, for a large part of my life, a big philosophy I had was I got to get it right, I've got to get it right. If I'm a professional human being, I've got to make the right decisions. I've got to get everything right. And I was using the language of right. Now, if you're using the language right, well the duality of getting something right is what? Getting it wrong. Again, just by the language that we use. Hey, Cassie, good to see you here. Just by the language that we're using around get it right, if we don't get it right, what does that presuppose, it means if we don't get it right, you get it wrong! And what do we know about getting things wrong? Well if you get it wrong, just like at school when you got things wrong, you got a D on your assignment or you got punished by your teacher or punished by your parents for getting things wrong. Well, we have this sense in life that there is even a right or a wrong. When it comes to decisions, there is just different choices. Whether you believe in a right or a wrong, I genuinely tend to, I don't even believe that there is a right or a wrong anymore. Right or wrong is a human construct. Thanks, Cassie, I just got my hair cut. So I've just gone for a bit of a different look just before I got to Burning Man. Which I'll talk a little bit about towards the end. Yeah I like that, we either win or we learn. Either way, whatever decision we make in our life, we are going to have made a decision and then we have the opportunity to course correct. To learn, to evolve, to move on. There is no decision that we can't adjust and course correct once we've made that decision. Very few decisions are irreversible completely in nature. And so what we naturally do is we can put a lot of pressure on ourselves to feel like we got to get everything right. And that pressure is an unconscious level of resistance that's underpinning our consciousness as we're contemplating what we want to do. And if you're feeling like you got to get something right, you're putting pressure on yourself. An unnecessary pressure that doesn't actually help you make a better decision. It just creates fear and creates pressure that I've got to get it right. What we want to let go of here is the significance or the value of what getting something right actually means. And even change our language, and even change the concept here of right and wrong. Just choice A, choice B. Possibility A, possibility B. There is just possibilities that we're tapping into. When we understand judgement and the nature of judgement , what we can start to evolve beyond is we can evolve beyond the nature of right and wrong because even just that construct of right and wrong, you'll find that that has judgement inside of it. That has judgement . It has self-righteousness. It has a sense of ultimate truth inside. When there is simply just choices. Yes, we have the concept of alignment. I think alignment is a far better concept here rather than right and wrong. So even is you just swap out the word right and wrong with am I making a choice that's in alignment with me, in alignment with my desire, with what I actually truly want. Or am I making a choice that's in alignment with something else. Maybe fear or alignment with ego or out of alignment with my spirit. I think that's a really good distinction because it's more accurate. It's either in alignment or not. It's doesn't necessarily mean that it's right or wrong because right or wrong according to who. Right or wrong, how specifically. For example, you might go on a date with someone and they turn out to not be the partner of your dreams and not be the person you're going to end up spending the rest of your life with. But maybe their best friend is the person who you're going to marry who's your soulmate. So you might say maybe that was the wrong person today, but then it turned out to be the right decision because you met the partner of your dreams and how can you tell? You can never tell. This is the nature of life. This is the beauty of life. This is the tapestry of life that we exist upon where there's this infinite possibilities there's just so many permutations of chance and randomness and experience unfolding. You can never say completely right and wrong 'cause there's just so much interpretation. So I want to suggest that by swapping out our language, by changing our language from right and wrong to alignment or out of alignment that's going to be really, really empowering because it's going to change our perception of life. It means that we have a lighter, a lighter approach to decision making rather than this heavy approach where I've got to get it right. Now since I changed my language around this, I've noticed for me personally my decision making has gone to a whole nother level because now I'm not living in apprehension. I'm not living in, it's not this do or die fear of I've got to get this right and if I don't then the world's going to end. Now, it's more of a okay, well I either make a choice that's in alignment, or maybe it's a little bit out of alignment or maybe it's not the perfect 100% complete aligned choice for me, but at least it's going to move me in the right direction. And so again now what we have is the concept of well at least if we're still moving say for example if we're heading north. We're wanting to head to the North Pole. We're heading north. Now if you're heading in true north, well great, you're going to get there as quick as you possibly can. Now what happens if you're one degree off north? Well you're still going to eventually get there, but you'll get there eventually and you'll have to realise your course strays a little bit. So it'd take maybe a little bit longer. Or maybe you can catch up someway. Maybe you can speed up along the way to catch up. And then the same thing is maybe you're pointing due east. And maybe you kind of, you're not actually getting any closer. Well you're going to realise it after a while and you're going to be at a course break. So again, there is no choice that is totally irreversible. There is no choice where you can't course correct along the way, and that's what a lot of think. A lot of think that we've got to get it right because what if we don't get it right. Well that means I'm not a good person or that means I'm not tuned in, or that means I'm not in charge, or that means my life sucks. We tell ourselves all these stories around what it means to make a wrong decision. But I'm going to postulate there is no such thing as a wrong decision. There is just a decision that's either 100% completely in alignment with your soul's expression and your desire and maybe it's a little bit out of alignment or maybe it's completely in the opposite direction. If it's in the opposite direction, well you're going to get awareness of that very, very quickly. Life is set up to give us an awareness of when we're out of alignment. And that typically tends to show up as in some kind of negative uncomfortable emotion. It typically comes in the form of either disease or illness or crisis or relationship ending or something. There are markers that will exist inside our experience that will let us know that we are not in alignment. That's one thing that we can trust about life is life will reflect back at us the areas we were out of alignment. And that decision making process that we are refining. Well yeah it's constantly going to get refined. And that's okay. And our ability to make more and more aligned decisions just simply improves with wisdom, with experience. And I think you'll find when we start to become less harsh on ourselves and start to realise that there's an infinite number of ways to get to our destination. There isn't just one correct way. There isn't one true way. There is an infinite number of different possibilities and permutations to experience this life. And I believe that if you were to design a universe like this, well you'd probably include an infinite number of other possibilities so that if you did take a wrong turn, if there was such a concept as taking a wrong turn. If you did take a wrong turn, well there's going to be plenty of other turnoffs to getting back on the right track. My own personal opinion is that there isn't such thing as a right and wrong in life. There is just different experiences unfolding. In fact there's seven billion odd people and seven billion different experiences. There is no one right or wrong way to live your life. There is what you feel is in alignment for you and you honouring that feeling of what feels in alignment for you. So try that out. Swap out the words right and wrong and go with alignment. I reckon that's a good bet. It feels lighter and it feels like an easier life. Try that out and recognise that if there's any ever, if there still are decisions in your life that you look back on those and you regret them, well the way that you can purge those, the way you can move beyond that is to actually recognise that you were just doing the best that you could with what you had at the time. You made the decision that made sense to you. Understandably you made the decision because that was your, that was the way that reality occurred to you at the time. So yeah, of course you made the decision at that time. If you had made any other decision, then it would've been illogical. You just wouldn't have done that. You can look at all your decisions in your life and have compassion for yourself and know that yeah, you were doing what made sense to you. That was the choice that made sense at the time. And you can look back on all of those and you can let go of the judgement . You can let go of the resentment. You can let go of the feeling like you've lost something. And you can start reflecting on what have you gained because of that. And that's the flip. Is recognising there's no point in judging what took place in the past because it's done. It's like if you're judging the past, it's like judging with the football umpires after they've made the decision. Maybe the sirens are already gone and they're blowing the whistle. And the decision didn't go to your team and you're arguing with the empire. Well to argue with the empire, that's not going to achieve anything. It's kind of like the same thing when you're judging the past. When you're regretting something. Doesn't achieve anything. Doesn't mean to say that you can't learn from the past. That doesn't necessarily mean that the decision you made was in alignment in the past. That's okay to reflect on that and say where was I out of alignment and what is the wisdom, what are the learning from that 'cause there's valuable lessons from history, from the past where people were incredibly out of alignment. And that's a different story than judgement . You can identify that something might not have been in your highest good or wasn't in alignment, but you don't have to judge it. You don't have to evoke negative emotions that come along with that. That's the big misunderstanding that people think is the judgement is optional. Hey, Johnny. Good to see you here. Thank you, Legend. So the judgement is always optional, but if we don't know that the programme of judgement is running, well yeah, you're probably going to experience regret. That's most likely what's going to happen. So yes, we can look at the events in our past and we can learn from them and we can move on. We don't have to judge them. So moving forward, what this now affords us with is the opportunity to go forward with our decision making in life. Recognising that right now, you are making the best decisions that you possibly can with the information and the knowledge and the wisdom that you have and you can actually fast forward to the future and look back and actually go, even if I did make a decision that was out of alignment, I would still survive, I would get through it, I would course correct, and I would deal with it and I'm still going to create some kind of life that is some degree of alignment with what I want. Now the question becomes well if you made every single choice of your life 100% in alignment, yeah, you might be heading true north and you'd get there really, really quickly. But that would just be the path that you walked. The path, the road that you travelled. That would be one experience. If you're a little bit out of alignment, well yeah, you're going to have a different experience. Who's to say one is better or worse? Who's to say your experience. For example, you might have married a different partner. You might have chose to live in a different country. Chose a different career. Who's to say that's a better or worse experience? This is more of a, I guess you'd say a spiritual philosophy now that we're talking about what would've happened. Sliding doors moments. What would've happened if I made that choice as opposed to that choice? You can go down that avenue and you can have that kind of conversation but a lot of the time it doesn't really help. Hey, Fatima, good to see you here. It doesn't really help and so what I find is yeah, we can get curious and we can ask ourselves, gee, I wonder what happened if I married that person or if I didn't marry my partner or if I lived in another country. What would my life be like? Yeah, great curious conversation. But it's not worth indulging if we're judging that or if we're questioning ourselves. It's a curious contemplation. Either way, you could make 100% of your choices in alignment. Let's just say alignment was if you knew perfectly exactly what you wanted, you made 100% of your choices in alignment, well yeah, there you go. You're going to experience a pretty blissful life. Now, what if you're 1% off? What if you're 10%? What if you're 100$ off? Well that's the dance, that's the game. That's the mystery of life. That's all part of it. And so we can either judge the misalignment and say that well I'm now misaligned, I'm not making choices in alignment with the life that I desire. And so therefore my life sucks or my life is worse or it's wrong. Or you could just say, interesting, I made a choice that was out of alignment. There you go. What a game. However we're experiencing this reality, we are choosing how we are experiencing it. You can see misalignment as the worse thing ever. Like your life is invalid. Like you shouldn't, like you're doing something wrong. Or you can view it from the perspective of interesting that I'm making these choices that are out of alignment. How do I maybe make some choices that are in greater levels of alignment? This conversion is one that it's not about judgement , it's not about right or wrong. This is about getting curious about how do we make more conscious choices so that we're moving more in the direction of things that we like. Things that we want. Things that we genuinely desire. I'm going to leave it at that, guys, because I just wanted to drop in some ideas around how to help people avoid regret because regret's a big one that a lot of people use as fuel, as rocket fuel to try and motivate themselves and hype themselves up. And they want to get to their deathbed and I can relate to this, I wanted to get to my deathbed and have no regrets. Well I was doing it the hard way, the way that required a lot of hard work and hustle which was trying to make sure everything in my external reality was perfect and making all the right decisions. But what I was in to realise was I just had a misunderstanding around the nature of regret and I realised that I didn't have to do regret at all with regardless of whatever I create in my life. And I think that's a very powerful, loving, beautiful place to be. You don't have to get your life perfect in order to avoid regret. You just have to understand regret is judging past choices and understand the nature of regret so you don't have to do regret. You can do something else. You might do curiosity, you might do gratitude, you might do love. There's plenty of other options on the dropdown menu of life that you can indulge in other than regret. Anyway, I thought I'd drop that in to give you some nuggets of wisdom that are going to help you avoid regret and avoid any fear based motivation trying to force yourself into living the right life, making right decisions. I trust that helps, guys. Thank you for tuning in, guys. It's been a pleasure. I'm off to Burning Man next week so the next couple of weeks I won't be doing Transformation Tuesday. I'll be taking a couple weeks break. But when I come back, I'll be doing Burning Man special and I'll be giving you the load down on my experiences, my learning, my new insights and give you a bit more of the behind the scenes look at Burning Man is like. So thanks for tuning in, guys. Look forward to seeing you in a couple of weeks. And for those of you that are looking to take your transformational journey to a level deeper, we have a couple weeks, actually we've still got a month to go before Project Limitless kicks off. It kicks off on the 17th of September. For those that are interested in taking your mastery of life, of relationships, of business. Tapping into deeper levels of clarity and purpose, being more inspired, more motivated for more authentic sources, from earning more money to deepening your connection with your higher self. All these things we cover in Project Limitless. So if you're interested in taking your personal development journey quantum leaps ahead, then send me a message and I'll drop the link here after the class where you can jump on and check out what it's all about. Hey, Katrina, hey, Regina. Thanks guys for tuning in. Have a fantastic couple of weeks, guys. As always, lots of love. Wishing you a beautiful evening. Bye for now.